Today is my 31st Birthday. I wouldn't change my age for anything. 30 was probably the best year of my life. In my 30th year I:
Finished the Post LPN to BScN program with great marks. Got accepted into Ryerson to finish my BScN. Gained so much more confidence, intelligence, insight and strength. Moved downtown Toronto. Decided to never stop learning; added Master's and PhD of Nursing as future goals. Saw Lady Gaga in concert on my birthday. Lost 25 lbs. Made new friends, met new people, went on dates. Lived my dream.
I will not be ashamed of my body. I will not be ashamed of my mind. I will not be ashamed of my opinions. I will not allow society to tell me what kind of woman I should be. I will not allow men to tell me what kind of woman I should be. I will not allow myself to be controlled. I will not allow myself to be constrained. I will not allow myself to be an object. I will not stand by and watch injustice. I will never give up my dreams for another.
I will love myself. I will live for myself. I will live free. I will believe that I am worthy. I will speak my mind. I will live my every day with confidence. I will work as the best nurse I possibly can. I will continue to strive for excellence. I will never stop learning. I will never stop dreaming.
So sometimes between September and now, it seems that I've decided that I want to do my Master's and PhD in nursing. I can't understand what I'm thinking. I loathe school and all the shitty papers I am forced to write and all the useless articles and books I have to read...I just wanted my degree and then I'd say "Peace out academia!"
Apparently that's not good enough for me. Apparently I've become MOTIVATED and have cultivated GOALS. What brought this change about, I'm not sure but I'm the most surprised person by it. It's baffling and yet kind of AWESOME.
I can't believe how much I've changed over the past few years. I went on two dates yesterday and I wasn't nervous or shy or anxious at all. I was funny and intelligent and confident and engaging...if I hadn't looked in the mirror before leaving, I wouldn't know me. I don't know who I am anymore. Somehow I've gotten rid of nearly all my hangups and have so much more confidence, apparently.
One thing that I hate about living in Toronto is the fact that men feel as though they have sovereignty over my body; as though my mere existence means that I owe them something. I face some form of harassment on a weekly basis, whether in the subway, the bus, streetcar, or walking. Guys ogle me, guys leer at me, guys catcall and whistle, guys holler and follow me; I’ve had a guy masturbate in front of me on the subway and follow me when I attempted to leave. I’ve known fear just because I am a woman; fear that I never felt when I lived in Halifax.
I’ve learned that Canada isn’t such an enlightened, feminist country because just by being a woman, I face harassment. I do not accept this...I will not accept this. If I wear a skirt, I do not owe men anything. If I wear heels, I do not owe men anything. If I am at a club, I do not owe men anything. If I smile, I do not owe men anything. The point? I should be able to wear what I want, do what I want, go where I want and act the way I want without men thinking that this is an invitation into my body.
This is my body, these are my terms. Dancing at a club goes not give you permission to grind on me and grope my body. Sitting in the subway does not give you permission to use me to fuel your masturbatory fantasies. Walking down the street does not give you permission to whistle at me. I am not your baby, honey or sweetie. Do not slow your car down to ogle me. Do not tell me that you love me or ask me for a blowjob. Do not follow me with your fucking dick hanging out, asking me for a hand.
I am a woman. I am not an object for your consumption. My role in society is not to pleasure you; I do not exist to serve you. You do not get to use me, no matter what I look like or what I’m wearing or what I’m doing.
So to all you anti-feminist, chauvinistic assholes in the GTA, go fuck yourselves.
3 MORE DAYS UNTIL MY B-DAY/LADY GAGA'S MONSTER BALL CONCERT DOWNTOWN TO!!!!
SLUTTY OUTFIT - CHECK ENOUGH EYESHADOW TO MAKE A QUEEN WEEP RAINBOW TEARS - CHECK HEAPS OF ETOH TO GET SHIT-FACED - CHECK HOTEL ROOM DOWNTOWN TORONTO - CHECK MY BITCHES - FLYING IN NOW
Oh ye Gods above, I'm so excited I can't even wait! Even the acute pain of that motherfucking bullshit craptastic fuckface H1N1 vaccine giving me a raging fucking kidney infection can't keep my spirits down! Well okay, my spirits are still kinda down since kidney pain is the most terrible, horrific, debilitating pain I've ever felt in my entire life. This shit better subside in 3 days, is all I'm saying.
Fuck you H1N1 vaccine and fuck you school for making me get the fucking thing!
Living in the outskirts of Toronto is so different than living in Nova Scotia. For one there are ethnic people bloody everywhere. It’s like a great salad of Asians, Italians, West Indians, East Indians and Sri Lankans. It’s unbelievable; for the first time in my life, my brown arse is finally a majority! I’ve never been on a bus or to the mall where the white guys are the minority; it’s kinda fab actually!
The downside is these ethic guys are total pigs. Jamaican/Guyanese/African guys are just so effin’ aggressive! It’s like they never saw a girl before; they come up to you all smarmy like, demanding to know if you got a boyfriend and what you’re doing tonight and what your number is. Good gravy, get going chancho! I be doing nothing with your horny-arse tonight!
Indian/Sri Lankan guys are even worse...first they stare incessantly at you, not even bothering to fucking blink and then they actually make kissing noises as you walk past! It is so degrading and so disgusting; especially considering that 95% of these champs sport thick, glistening moustaches. GROSS TOWN I SAY.
On the upside, my b-day is the 28th of this month and Rash got me Lady Gaga tickets! She’s playing downtown Toronto on my b-day and I’m so effin’ excited. Lady Gaga is the shits; she can do no wrong as far as I’m concerned. Her concert will be epic to end all epics, especially Bad Romance. I’m so psyched; I’m gonna get so drunk I won’t be able to see!
Now I just need to find an outfit smashing enough to be worthy of my b-day and Lady Gaga...slutty dress and hooker boots with glam eye make-up methinks? I’ll be giving the FOBs REALLY something to stare at!
I just hope Lady Gaga wears the fire bra...seeing that shit live once just wasn’t enough!
